Anosmia

I have anosmia.

Shut up, I'll explain what it is. 

Basically, I can't smell. You know how blind people can't see, and deaf people can't hear? Well, anosmics can't smell. The thing is though, since it's not blatantly in everyone else's faces, it's pretty rare to find someone who actually knows what it is. Right now, for example, Squarespace is telling me that both 'anosmia' and 'anosmics' aren't even real words. But then there's a squiggly red line under the word 'squarespace' as well, so I shouldn't judge them too harshly.

 Selma - Queen Bee of Anosmia-town! 

Selma - Queen Bee of Anosmia-town! 

I don't have some sob story about how nobody understood me as kid, and how everyone thought I was making it up to get attention. That's all true, but I'm not going to waste your time going on about it. I'm sure we've all got better things to do. Mind you, I've got a book coming out soon, with an anosmic character in it, and I sort of do all my venting there. With that in mind, my reticence here is somewhat more self serving that I initially let on. I know how much people hate spoilers though, so... 

 Dewey Cox magically got his sense of smell back randomly... that shit pissed me off.

Dewey Cox magically got his sense of smell back randomly... that shit pissed me off.

It is true that it's not exactly represented that well in the media, but I don't particularly care about it that much. I read some article about a guy who thought anosmics being referred to as "nose-blind" was seriously offensive... motherfucker needs some real problems. It's nice to see characters in shows and movies with anosmia, but it'd be pretty stupid of me to be asking for them to be included in every show just for the sake of inclusiveness. 

 I loved The Nice Guys! Ryan Gossling's character was anosmic, and I look like Russell Crowe!

I loved The Nice Guys! Ryan Gossling's character was anosmic, and I look like Russell Crowe!

Yeah, I'm handicapped. I've got no sense of smell at all, and because of that I've also lost most of my sense of taste as well (they're linked... and you thought you were done learning!) I'm not going to sit here and write out some positive "I'm not lesser, just different" BS speech though. If I could magically get my sense of smell back, I'd be willing to do some pretty terrible things to make it happen - because it would greatly improve my life.

I honestly don't understand all this hate from handicapped people about not being seen as equal to everyone else though. Like... if you can smell, and I can't - then we're not equal. You've got an advantage over me, and while that sucks I'm actually okay with it. That doesn't mean that you should treat handicapped people like shit, but you don't have to tell us we're equal just to make yourself feel like a goodly and inclusive (and auto-fellating) individual. 

 If your life depending on sniffing out who farted, would you seriously pick this guy as your proxy?

If your life depending on sniffing out who farted, would you seriously pick this guy as your proxy?

Also, just in case you were wondering about the scientific link between anosmia and being a psychopath... I wasn't actually born like this, so I'm kinda exempt from that association. People do like to bring that up though, for some reason.  

Now, you may think it never comes up, but there have been a few life threatening situations that I've just stumbled into because I can't smell. I don't get to enjoy most of the foods that most people get to enjoy, I've never smelt perfume, can't tell if food is cooked or spoiled, I've never smelt sex and the notion that oranges have a smell has always weirded me out for some reason. It's not all bad though, you can fart around me and I won't care, I've never had to smell a rotting corpse...  and I have this neat little trick, it's sort of a body-hack.

 Ya'll spraying pheremones around and I've got no bloody clue what's happening.

Ya'll spraying pheremones around and I've got no bloody clue what's happening.

See, when you can barely taste, it doesn't really matter what you eat. This means that I can eat the blandest shit imaginable, day after day, and not get sick of it. This sounds bleak, but it's a fucking godsend for someone who has weight issues and makes dieting a hell of a lot easier. Ask people that see me in person, most will attest to seeing me eating a salad straight out of a bag and then downing a plain chicken breast, every day, for 6 months.  

So I try to make the best of it and not go on about it. Sorry if anosmia doesn't fit your criteria for what "disabled" means, it doesn't fit the governments either, so fuck them too. I'll just keep doing what I'm doing, I'm getting along well enough as I am.

 Seriously though... what the fuck are these people even doing?! Does tiling your head back make you smell better? It always baffles me when I see people doing this. 

Seriously though... what the fuck are these people even doing?! Does tiling your head back make you smell better? It always baffles me when I see people doing this.